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In Between The Middle

[Sent: February 12th, 2022]

In 2017, I moved out for the first time and found myself with all of this space to acknowledge my thoughts. Out of the three bedrooms, mine was the smallest; with a closet the size of a coffin, it was more than enough space. From my parent’s three floored single home, there was no space to even think to take a deep breath. Having all of this space was a gift but at the same time it overwhelmed me. When I stared at the wall a television appeared that repeated traumatic events which occured in my childhood and I could never find the remote to change the channel. Without an Official Diagnosis, I constantly invalidated my thoughts and feelings.

Later on, I discovered that this was one of many life transitions. This struggle to work a blah job in the basement of a luxurious hotel infested with cockroaches in order to work my way out of government assistance, debt, and to one day pay for therapy where I would get the Official Diagnosis. We can often find ourselves in this weird middle with one side being where we were and the other being where we are headed. We can think of life as one big middle but it’s the chunks that make us feel like a bug that just noticed it’s tiny feet are on sticky paper thinking, “Who the f*ck put this here?" What do we do in these situations and who do we turn to? I’m still trying to figure that out. Experiencing one transition to the next can be dark and lonely. For example, in 2020 we attempted to travel to Australia but were stopped by the global panini. After traveling from the center of Canada’s map to the West, and spending half of the year in a place we desperately wanted to call home, we had to move all the way back to the center of the map. The center of the map was right where I left it but it didn’t feel right at all. I knew where I was, I recognized it, but I still had no idea where I was or even who I was. Although this was painful and disorienting, I now understand (literally as I’m writing this I’m having this epiphany #tiffanyhasanepiphany) that I was growing. Growing is awkward, uncomfortable, and it hurts all of the time. All we want is to be 20 when we’re 14. All we want is a sense of relief when we’re in pain. The only way out is through, no matter how long and dark the tunnel. At times it’s necessary to light a match, set up camp, and chill with these feelings for a while. Below are book and song recommendations that helped me through life transitions. Books

I read this when I wanted to change my day job but didn’t know which step to take first.

I read this in 2017 when I was sad and smoked weed before work. I always think of this book when I have a "I can't draw" moment. Look at this, you can do it.

I read this before our travels and I was in between excitement and trying not to ruin my pants.

This book changed my life.


Islands In The Stream Dolly & Kenny This song was played on repeat all the way home.

River Cat Clyde This song joined me on bus rides from work before our travels.

Keeps Moving Myhill Thirty days after we moved into our first apartment.

Pit Of My Heart Unsociably High (click image for video) We wrote this song when we were stuck in BC and didn't know where to turn. The intro is a recording of when I was scammed and lost half of my savings. *Kiss* *Kiss* Tiffany Unsociably High

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